So it’s been nearly a month since I sat down and wrote a post. I know it’s been a month because the calendar clearly points to it being almost April when the last time I was here it was almost March, but the time has sort of melted into this high-speed rush of days. My son is going to be five months old in a few days. Easter is around the corner. Spring feels like it might fully be here now with summer nipping hard on her heels. Somehow March disappeared even though I was standing right here.
I have honestly not made the progress that I’ve wanted to in regards to moving towards a life of intention and simplicity. Those thredUP and donations bags I worked so hard to fill continue to sit in my bedroom while the laundry continues to be an issue and I’m still trapped in my LuLaRoe addiction. I’m wearing leggings more often than not and feel like I’m not really present in my life. Nothing seems to be moving along towards my goal for this year, with the exception of my freelance writing now that I’ve been writing quizzes for a website. So if trying to be deliberately imperfect wasn’t my thing and focusing on quality over quantity isn’t my thing, who the heck am I?
The answer, I realized, wasn’t so simple. What I came to figure out light a lightning bolt last night is that I’m so busy trying to be something that I’ve forgotten to take care of myself and connect to who I am. The non-granola version of that is, very simply, that I’m doing without really paying attention even if I go into it with a plan and a point. And I’m still comparing myself to others. What startled me so much was catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror at Micheal’s the other night. I went in for some snaps to put on bibs I’m making for J. when I saw myself. There I was, my body not where I want it, my face looking tired, drawn, and confused. Everything disorganized. Good haircut, but bad hair. And for a moment there was a thirteen year old girl inside of me, the one who made her bed every day and had well-put together outfits and never missed a deadline screaming at the reflection wanting to know how we got so far away from ourselves.
I didn’t have an answer. I still don’t. But I came home, made a list, and gave myself the rest of the week grace with the intent of starting fresh today. And that’s what I’m doing. Yes, I’m still in leggings but Monday is a Regularly Scheduled Legging Day because I worked until 3am. But I’ve showered. There’s laundry going and I’ve got dinner prepped and ready. I’ve eaten better than a box of cookies, and while J. and I haven’t had some quality educational play time, I’ve been making efforts to keep him involved. He hung out while we sorted laundry, laughing and smiling the whole time. Be still my heart.
And I keep asking what teen me would do. And she would pause and figure out what matters, act, and then work on the other things later. And you know what? So far I’ve gotten the Christmas decorations down and I feel better. I think maybe, maybe, I just needed a reality check to get back to what matters to me. So here we go again.